i want to lick your nose.

That's all.

resolution.

Christmas was pretty good.

I got some really random stuff.

I don't know.

There's not much to talk about. I've been sitting at home bored as ever lately. I'm going to Tommy's tomorrow, probably going to draw and talk and stuff. Then on Friday hopefully, I'll be spending it with Tyler~!

smiling.

Tyler tyler tyler tyler tyler. :)

pulling away.

It's cold, and I'm so-very-not-excited for Christmas. I don't want to go to my mother's. She'd find a way to make me upset, probably involving school.

....

....

I GET TO SEE TYLER TODAY!!!! One more hour. Do you even know how happy this makes me?!

♥

free-fall.

I'm so incredibly pathetic, oh my gosh.

I need sleep.

Real bad.

queer surroundings.

It's not snowing.

I want it to snow.

It's going to rain.

I've been home alone for practically two days in a row. Mary and Dad have been out buying gifts and stuff. I already took care of that!

Tyler was over yesterday, and that..was just fantastic.

'Nuff said.

doctor's office.

It's officially winter break! I've already spent this week with the best people, ever.

On Wednesday, I was picked up by Justin and we headed to Ashton's, where all my alt-post-grads were! (+ Brandon) He set up his ~new~ studio lighting and we all took pictures. I'm still impressed by his skills. I told him he needs to stop letting people treat him like he's below them. He deserves so much better from his friends. I hope he realizes this. I got home around 2 and that's just fantastic.

On Thursday, I was picked up by Cat from Borders. We went to the Reed Opera house and met up with Ben, Devin, and Erik. We talked and laughed a lot and ate Mexican food. Then we all headed to Tommy's, and it was already dark at this point. I filled out some paperwork, then fell asleep on the couch while Ben was sitting on me and Tommy. Me and T went to Circle K for beverages. Shortly after that, it was around 11, we went home.

Friday, I busted a mission to Lancaster. I met a woman on the bus and her name is Maria. She's pretty nice and like, 38. We talked for a long time until we got downtown, shared numbers and went our separate ways. Later, Ashlyn got me, with Reid and Austin. We went home and they made cookies. Tyler came over, for the first time ever

Today, I'm going shopping with Mary. WOO!

And J, I'm glad you don't regret it.

jail.

Fuck my phone turning off at 9.

she looks at the man and says,

"where are we going?"

I had a really good day yesterday.

It started around 10, when Cat picked me up to go to Tommy's. Tyler was not yet prepared to be go, so we waited around Tommy's. Everyone was just waking up. Niko was over and he's just a real treat. Sadly, though, Mackenzie was in Seattle so we didn't get to see him. We started cleaning and rearranging furniture! We went grocery shopping, and soon Tyler appeared. YAYAYAYAYAY we made cookies, gluten free peanut butter ones, chocolate chip, and lemon bars. We watched Kung Fu hustle and Cat had to go to work. Tyler left around ....6, and me, Sean, Nate, Tommy, and Jake had a super fun time making burgers and talking about sexual positions and laying on the couch half asleep listening to Jason Mraz, OHH and some ambient music. That's about it.

Then I went home and slept for 312 hours.

screaming.

:]

goosebumps.

Today is...what, Friday?

10th Friday.

It's December, and it's started off pretty well. Mine and Tyler's 2 month was on Wednesday. We exchanged gifts.

I'm going to my mom's house tonight or possibly tomorrow morning for her wedding.

Blah.

resurrection.

I felt it was only appropriate for me to begin blogging again, mainly because it's break-time and I'm going to forget what happened. Again. The second reason being, I made Justin update his and felt guilty. Hehe.

Anyway, yeah. All schools are on break since of Thanksgiving! On Friday, I reunited with Tyler after...like, a week apart (due to being suspended for graffiti with Tyler..) and we just kind of made out in the hallway for a while after skipping out of drawing class. Happiness ensued.

For the past week, I've been doing really random things to kill time. I've been hanging out with Justin more, along with Mackenzie, Cat, and even Tommy + Ben Nanke! But he's a new addition. I've been going to watch movies, including Harry Potter 7 and American History X in a film class at Chemeketa. Trivia nights at Applebees. Going to a lot of fast food restaurants, loitering and talking. I can honestly say it's been a pretty good week!~

I painted my room and it's really really really bright yellow. It felt weird to have all this irrelevant garbage on my walls. It all meant something, it was all really funny, or really awesome back when it was first glued/tacked/drawn there...ugh. Change is good. I miss my old friends. They don't miss me, however, so the world keeps spinning.

I've been so happy lately and I doubt anything could go wrong for the next week of no school.

Actually, no, I take that back. The world also has a way of surprising me in really really bad ways.

I like how everything has turned out to be. Currently, I'm texting Tyler from my iPod, which is extremely inconvenient but gets the job done I suppose..not like it's really a chore. But you get me. hopefully?

HGHGHGHGH. I should be sleeping. I have no idea what I'm doing for Thanksgiving. I went to bed at 7:30pm, and woke up about an hour ago to a snow-covered fence. Me and Tyler were planning to experience the first snowfall together. We kind of did, if you count Sunday night...but it was more of a slushie type snow than actual snow. My sentence structure doesnt make any sense. UhHHH what did I do on Friday? ..School. Went home. Saturday..Got ready to see Tyler. Straightened hair and everything. Didn't get to see him. Sunday, got ready to see Tyler. We hung out until 9pm, and it was probably one of our better days. Super happy. Monday, got ready to see Tyler. Straightened hair and everything again. Didn't get to see him. I'm just gonna stop straightening my hair. I'm not tired. So we'll see how the rest of the day goes.

(...slowly.)

eighty.

I can't begin to write down any of my feelings.

I did something relatively ridiculous..

..I'm suspended from school, now.

They threatened expulsion. But I decided to be honest and fess up to the graffiti.

Oh well.

It's probably for the best if I don't go.

Can't stop thinking about stupid things.

I lost my journal. Well, actually, I haven't made an actual attempt to look for it.

BUHHHHGG3e54t

hilarity ensues.

I'm not even sure what I'm doing anymore.

why y'all trippin'?

Nothing to write about.

My journal is almost full.

I don't know how it's possible for me to write SO much. I'm going to appreciate it when I'm older.

nippy.

Hanging out with Kim.

Having great days with Tyler.
Grades are improving.

Social life is good.

Everything's getting better.

It's just so, so, cold...

going through changes.

Today is homecoming.

i've got a new complaint.

I strongly suggest never swallow Listerine.

Make sure you floss when you can.

Don't ignore anybody.

Text back everyone who texts you.

Initiate conversation.

Restock the bathroom towel and toilet paper supply.

Wipe your feet on a mat, if possible in someone else's house.

Don't write on people if you don't expect being written on aswell.

Don't expect people to pay for you when you're out of money.

Be polite.

Don't be condescending.

Take naps often.

Draw.

Keep a journal.

Live and let die.

mope.

I've been sitting around the house doing nothing, all day.

Checked the mail in the rain, nothing there.

Did my hair post-shower, no one saw it.

I'm missing my sister.

Made some dollar bill origami stuff.

Went to the mall, got perfume. Went to Jamba Juice, got a smoothie.

Went home, went to Winco with Justin.
Came back.

Gonna go write in my journal and sleep.

life's about filmstars.

Last night. Oh, my godgodgodgodgod.

Shit got real. REAL quick.

It started off good, after school we all headed over to Schirle and then to Roth's and then Tyler's house, after Nathan and Tyler both wore my hair extensions. Then after we sat around at Tyler's we decided we could be the cast of that 70's show!

Tyler: Eric

Kt: Donna

Nathan: Hyde

John: Kelso

Mackenzie: Jackie

Alex: Fez

So far, a pretty good day. We headed to the game, me, mack and tyler shoved in the back, the rest in the front. We spit some mad beats, and we all flocked from the car, and after we got in we stood around and socialized. Kinda.

We dipped early, were hanging out on the baseball field, when I got a call from Zach to come back to the game, now, and John Larson was telling him about something I did.

So I got there, and there were about 20 people, 10 who wanted to kill John Larson and 10 wanting to back him up. I was somewhere in the middle. I was yelled at from Zach just a bunch of questions, he got really close to my face and euurrggggh. I didn't know what to do. Everyone was staring, now, and it felt really awful. Mr. Farmer got involved, and I started bawling, and tried going up the stairs but I failed. I just sat there and was getting hugs from random people I didn't even know. That made everything a little worse, and I went out to find John and Tyler waiting for me in front of the stadium...and oh god.

We went back to Tyler's, I laid there and cried for like 30 minutes and texted John again and again trying to apologize. I got home around 12am.

Woke up this morning, my apology to Zach wasn't good enough.

So here it goes again.

I wish life was easy D:

stride.

I got really bored with nothing to do at 9:30 at night.

Just got home from Tyler's, and we ate tacos, watched top gun, world of jenks, and overall had a fabulous time.

But, why must happiness be such a selfish thing? I know people are disappointed at me, pissed off, maybe even disgusted. I might even be making a huge mistake, I'll regret it all maybe in a day, a week, month, or maybe two years...

I need to learn to move on, realize everything gets better..He can't hate me for too long, can he?

How can people still tell me, 'who cares'?

Obviously, I do..

Time to go to bed, time to dream of an awesome world where everyone's happy and the past no longer is thought of~

why do men have nipples?

I'm sick of this blog business.

I have a journal, and I can actually..put real life thoughts in it, and I don't have to edit anything, and I just want to draw in it too.

Plus anyone can read this nonsense.

So, goodbye.

Only, I'll be back.

prologue.

I need to get out of this place!

I'm super hungry, sick of high school drama, I just want to have a good day, every day. Is that so hard?

I guess it's self induced, part of it.

10% of life is what happens to you,

90% is how you react to it.

Blah, blah, blah.

admit one.

if we'd only stayed together,

we might not of fallen apart

but the words you said destroyed my planet

i'll stall before I start

i'll stall before I start anything at all.

I hate Motion City Soundtrack but they've been on my iPod for the longest time.

I should be getting ready for school.

But, my sunday was good.

Saw John Larson and Tyler James, and John had gotten a fabulous new longboard.

Blawwrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh

I'm tired, I guess.

Wishing my mood was better.

But today is an A day, which means I can sleep. :D

crushed.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

recovery, final part.

Most, definitely.
After school, Tyler, John, Mackenzie, Nathan, Alex, and Jamie all walked to Roth's, and got picked up by Tyler's mom to go to Northern Lights. On the way there he put his arm around me and that was just like....oh god. We were wearing the same sweatshirt and I tied the strings together. Dunno why. I still can't stop smiling. We watched "Salt" and ate ice cream. Peanut butter mountain to be exact. I think I fell in love with Tyler's eyes. The amount of blue-ness is just..impressive. They were more interesting than the movie. But I digress!!!!
We got dropped off at Liberty school and played on the park.
Tyler asked me to homecoming, so I agreed, and he kissed me. Then I kissed him. And we kissed again, and again, and again. ♥ I didn't even think he liked me so i was like wtftftfttftftTFFTF my heart wouldn't even begin to slow down and I was so very happy to know he liked me, too.
Then we went to Roth's, got about eight pounds of candy for 3 dollars, went to Tyler's and we laid together in his bed and did this cute thing where we'd ask each other questions and kiss after we answered them. During all this, Alex played piano and we watched cops or something, and it was a lovely day. Tyler is absolutely amazing. I can't wait to get to know him even more ♥
If my days went like this, every single day, with people who are super easy to talk to, and laugh with, and if days were that exact temperature, it'd be lovely.
Anyway, thank god it's the weekend. I think I'll see Tyler again today. I left my stuff in his mom's car.
BBBbbhhhhaaauurrgh. I woke up too early, and I think I wanna go back to sleep...
~
That was an amazing shower. Not gonna lie. It lasted about an hour, but also an hour too soon. I'm in love with October already.

light at the end of the tunnel.

good day?

i'm thinking maybe.

school was absolutely the worst,

after school i don't even remember what i did. oh.

i went home, changed clothes, hung out with ashlyn cat eric kyle jeff mackenzie nate and tommy, and his 3 four day old kittens

they're like, the size of a mouse..

i was going to go to the game...

but..why?

it's not even varsity...i need to buy gum and i totally forgot...

now i'm texting tyler and kimberly and life is okay, I guess.

need to print an assignment and life will be just perfect.

mountain dew slushie....good stuff?!

turned off.

are you like, on a quest to make my days worse than they already have to be?

):

dark blue.

i'm all ready freddy to go to school.

it's about 20 minutes before i go out to the bus.

I forgot to blog and all that stuff so Ill let you know what happened!

sunday night, I went out to see a movie with Cat and Mac

but first we stopped at Tommy's and watched music videos.

Then, at 7:00 we went to go see "easy A" on Lancaster

and apparently John larson was there too so we sat behind him + his posse and didn't throw popcorn at all. After the movie was over, and it was really good the second time, we went to McDonalds and bought 50 chicken nuggets HAHAHA and then met up to watch Machete at stadium 11 theater with Joshua Couchman, Enrique Rodriguez, and Devin Fleenor. We ate them and Mac said something awful regarding semen and dipping sauce so I didn't eat more than like, 2. hHHAHAH

uhm. then after that, we went home. And it was an amazing day. Because I got home at like, 12 and only got about 4 hours of sleep. Oh wellsies. <3

..whoa I forgot to post this. Anyway, school was good, after school I went to Judson with chris betino and zach

he got pissed off at me because I said im sick of arguing but he thought i said im sick of him...?

Blarg. Chicken nuggets are dreadful, today is dreadful, I need a shower.

bye worldd

exclamation point.

I feel hyper today.

And it's probably all of the medication I've been taking for my nasty cold.

I get all my sicknesses over the span of one month.

Which sucks. Because then Im like, wahh I dont wanna go to schooool

But I DO because I'm a trooper.

anyway.

went dress shopping today.

i got the most perfect one.

talked to zach.

UMMM....

Went..grocery shopping..

OH! I DROVE AN ATV AND I HAD A KICKASS TIME!

theres not much to talk about and Im too hyper to sit down and write a big long thing so Im done now.

OKay love you bye!

autumn.

I spent two hours and re-sewed the clips on my extensions, so now I can actually wear them.

The color is a bit off still, (too red D:) but it's fine for now.

But they make me happy.

I was listening to the radio and Love the Way You Lie by Eminem/Rihanna came on three times in that time span. And that one song about dynamite and lighting it up came on about four times.

Ughh, mainstream music sucks. It was very annoying, at John's party, all these preppy girls squealed and changed the radio station or plugged in their iPods and played bullshit, which caused John to yell: Who the hell put on this black person music?!

It was awful, and bad, and bleh. That party couldn't of went any worse. Even Tyler said it was sad how I was just sitting there, makeup all done and hair all pretty and all alone. I don't even remember why I was invited. You'd think I'd be over it by now, I mean jesus, it was like..in July.

But no. It was a bad night. At least Tyler made an attempt to talk to me.

I have a counselor appointment today, and it's not Brian Adams, it's some douchebag named Rick. I hate that name, first of all. Anyway, my mom's going to be getting me at 4:00pm. I haven't seen her since the beginning of September, I think.

No one has really noticed my blue hair yet, which it kind of weird, because it's in my bangs, and bangs means IN MY FACE AND WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT when you talk to me...Or..not.

I have no idea.

I'm still sick, and that's a bummer. Cat's sick, and Tommy's sick. That means we probably won't be having our Saturday plans. (plus going to my mom's. double bummer.)

I like having hair touch the small of my back every now and then to remind me how AWESOME I AM! Listening to Regina Spektor and wishing I was somewhere tropical and 80 degrees, with Kim, and we could get our tan on. I miss Kim, a lot. We haven't hung out for the longest time.

She's moved on past me, I believe. I don't know if she ever thought of me as her best friend. But all those notes and all the nice things she's done for me kind of proves otherwise. Oh well. Tianna has started talking to me again, and I'm trying to tell myself she's just like Kim! She could be be my best friend. But then I remember, she greets me by hitting my boobs, slapping me, stealing my things and calling me a faggot. Nevermind. Kim's a much better choice of friend, haha. I don't even know why I considered that.

Anyway, my classes are pretty easy for the most part. Except for Economics, I only got 5/7 assignments turned in so far because I'm retarded and can't really get my mind around it..yet. It's fine, I still have a B+, so that's no problem. In my other classes, I'm succeeding!

Good start in school, on civil grounds with Zachary, new friends, familiar friends, and it's getting cold enough to wear my hoodies&boots :D

Nothing can get me down, yknow?

itchy.

my body decided to vomit twice this morning.

so i took a shower and went back to bed until 1pm.

probably the biggest waste of a day i have ever experienced.

redyed my hair blue,

sat around and talked to people (i got my phone back) until the house season 7 premiere came on.

blarg. now i have no idea what to do.

i think i'll try to go to sleep again.

truthfully.

I really am sorry.

encore.

My hair is..short.

I had a moment and decided to cut it..

But anyway;

It's friday tomorrow, that's always a good thing.

Nothing else good going on.

Blurrrgh.

help me.

i think i need to go to counseling now.

please.

unbelievable.

worst and best day ever.

was ignored, talked about, and made fun of like all day

got harassed, interrogated and all that good stuff for "stealing cream cheese" at winco

b...b..but me and chris figured it's free since they were in little packets by the bagels..

and now the FUCK does one eat a bagel without cream cheese?

anyway i was in this little room for like an hour

they took my photograph

etc etc,

and it turned out i "robbed" the store of 30 cents

so i paid it and left and chris laughed for a long while and now i hate the world.

went to kims after all that, everyone was feeling sorry for me and i felt pathetic.

we went to the game, i found my people, miranda made me a friendship bracelet, me and dana got drinks, and i found john larson. he gave me his starbucks vanilla thing and it tasted like..John larson. i also noticed Tyler james was there, and he's just..adorable. very interesting individual. after we talked i went back to kim and bri and we went to go taco bell it up.

we drove and drove and drove and drove and drove until we got to like mexico

and we went to this gazebo thing on the lake and looked at the stars.

it was cool i guess.

then we drove more, got blizzards, listened to some awesome music, went back to kims and we slept.

i woke up and went home and yay.

now everything is pissing me off.

question mark.

The second day of school was bleh.

I hate B days.

It goes;

Wellness II, English, Math Lab, then Economy.

At least I have economy with Chris. <3

It was a long, dreadful day, and I got a ride from school with Devon, then hung out with Zach for like an hour. We did homework and then I left, went home, and went directly to bed.
Ahh. School. I don't know why, but something about it makes lack of sleep, irregular meals, stress, and drama so great. I'm going to switch out of Creative Writing because that's not really my thing. Hopefully I'll get into Culinary Arts with Brandon, first period. That'd be awesome! I wish they still had Mini Arena, but I guess I can see how people would abuse that. But why do I care?

I'm going to go to sleep here pretty soon. I haven't eaten much in about 3 days, and I get nauseous looking at food. No good. I probably wake up too early in the morning. My phone doesn't keep going off when I ignore it, it just stops after a couple rings. So I wake up then, or go into settings then switch my alarm to a different time, but by then I'm already awake.

Then I stumble into the shower, and I have an immediate headache from lack of sleep and food and it's bright and blah. After that, I feel cold and ugly and just even more sleepy. So I get dressed, do my hair and makeup, and then leave at around 6:35 for the bus. It's SO crowded this year, and also, this batch of freshmen are...really loud, inappropriate, and short. REALLY short. I'm really blessed to have been adopted by all the Sophomores, Juniors, and Seniors. Without them, I'd...be friendless. <3>

if i stand too close, i might fall in.

I had a GOOD day :D
Me and Justin went driving, picked up James and Brandon, then headed to Goodwill, fucked around, then Winco, got snacks, and ate them in the park. We decided to go home, so we dropped off those two, went to Kyle's, but we forgot he wasn't there...

SO WE WENT DOWN THE STREET TO TOMMY'S!

Tommy was singing on rockband, cat and mack were cuddling in the corner with laptops, and lucas was on guitar. Some other dude was bass-ing.

So we sat around, I played bass eventually, then Justin left....

...So we ate some din din, which was chicken, salmon, spaghetti, corn on the cob, and some sort of raw vegetables.

i chose chicken and vegetables!

so we ate while tommy belted out a couple more verses, then watched good luck charlie.

then, mack and cat gave me a ride home and that was cool.

now im at home and going to bed <3>

happy, happy, happy!

let's go for a drive.

justin got his license today.

i....i......AHHHHrrg i'm smart and am going to be in the car with him... HAH!

If I die, I'm sorry, everyone, and I love you.

first day went by amazing, everyone got REAL sexy REAL fast.

im excited for my B days.

no sunlight anymore.

school time in like, two minutes.

looking forward to it.

(;

the clock's run out.

apparently justin's gonna be reading this one. HI, Justin!

This was only supposed to be a summer journal type thing, to help keep track of all my events.

But I left out a lot of details, sometimes even full days, and it turned more into something to whine on, and it actually helped most of the time. Unless certain people read it and used it against me, but that's whatever.

I think this summer was the best, ever. It had it's awful moments, (Zachary fights #54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, and 61, never being able to see kim again), it's amazing moments, (late night hot tub parties, photoshoots, carnivals, and ziplining), and the beautiful things we all seem to overlook, such as staying up with your best friends talking about just how lucky we are, making welcome-back cupcakes for the people who matter most, and waking up way too early then falling back asleep because, well, fuck it.

I can't help but want to continue to do this dumb blog thing. It's definitely something fun to do at the end of the day. So, yeah.

This is the official last day of summer for all of us, and some people are out doing amazing things to remember it by, but for for most of everyone..Yeah, fuck it again.

I played in the rain today. I just kinda sat in my driveway and let the water drench me. Then I ran inside and took a very nice shower :D Now my kitty is sitting on my lap. She says heyy.

I think she's gonna die soon. She's like, seven...HAH!

Anyway, that's about it. I'm super excited for tomorrroooow ooohhh god

monday afternoon.

today was fun.

me and justin and brandon photographed.

and now i'm sad again!

so, HAHAHA! awesome!

grey high-tops.

hung out with justin today.

called kim, she said it was important.

it was!

we talked about bullshit, and my mom gave my dad a butchered version of what happened, he had to be a real ass and go to kim's house, bitch to her aunt, like she really gives a fuck what he has to say. like anyone does.

casey's gonna spend the night again.

he better not wake me up at like, 5.

i'm kinda curious where he stayed before this.

idk. im wearing my grey high tops, skinny jeans, and some sort of sweater.

today was boring, why did i think you cared?

cyclepath.

we're running right back, here we go again, it's so insane, 'cause when its going good, it's going great.

I put a picture up there, because I thought it looked cool, because the book of mormon. We're shampooing the carpets today. It looks a lot better than they ever have before! It's exciting. I put a bra on finally. I've been awake since 5. Then fell back to sleep until 7, then again at like 10. Casey needed somewhere to stay, so as his Legal Guardian, I allowed him the futon. He left his key and phone charger, so he'll probably get it. I'm busy being a manipulative asshole. HAHA! Oh, this is gonna be a good, good, year.

<3

recovery, part two.

I hung out with people.

Clothes shopped. Got some cool schtuff and I still have some money left. I'll get my supplies tomorrow. Or..later today, I guess. It's almost 1am.

Eric and Ashlyn and I went out downtown and on Lancaster.

We ate Love Love Teriyaki and stuff and it was fun :D
Then we went to the open mic, ashlyn did her shit,

me and Mackenzie bonded I do believe! :D I hope we'll be good friends someday. He's fun.

I'm sitting here, after my long day of shopping, McFlurrys, blasting Europop, going to Taco bell to wait for Cat to be done doin stuff...anddd...like..

yeah.

Nap time for me.

Good day, everything's getting better. Talking to kim. I'll probably call her tomorrow. Wishing I had a phone. In the meantime, fuck it! :D

what i've done.

yeah, i'm being a douche and making my blog titles names of songs because who cares?

i hung out with zach today, to the dismay of everyone.

somehow, i still enjoy him and his presence 100% :D

mack and eric got me&ash today, we drove to fred meyer and on the way there we saw justin but he didn't reply to our calls because he was busy listening to music.

so we got to fred meyer, ash got her nasal spray and shoe goo

we took some blood pressure tests and me and mack are eligible for prehypertension

i laughed

then we went to macks real quick, found cat

ate some kind of food

went back to eric's to fix macks computer

me and ashlyn made me some lunch and it's name was

Nutella sandwich, served with cheez its, carrots, and raspberries

it was tasty.

we played some zelda and then went outside with the puppy

cat came back over to eric's

her sister was being weird and then cat took me home

then i sat and called kim after a while

then went shoe shopping with zach. i made him get fake converse

they look nice.

i got money from dad to go clothes shopping,

which ill be doing tomorrow with eric and ashlyn.

we decided this when we sat in his car as i told them about my day.

they make me very happy.

they give me hope, too

because i'm pretty sure it's impossible to love each other and put up with each other for so long .

apparently not!

called kim again.

now its night time.

i wish i had my own phone back. ahhh!

at the bottom of everything.

i stayed the night at kim's last night.

i made cupcakes at ashtens house and then brought them over to kim's house,

where i waited for six and a half hours until she got there. pretty lame, yeah.

after many hours of the tyra show, family guy, and assorted documentaries

kim walked through the front door.

we had a pretty awesome time talking about our assorted adventures.

i stayed the night, and everything was fine until i woke up.

i showered, got dressed, made plans to go home, get new clothes, and go to the mall.

so we went outside and waited for ashten to pick me up to take me home.

it was fine, until my mom pulled up instead.

she was being a bitch, glared at kim once i think, and told me to come with her.

so, i did, forgetting that i had my psychiatrist appointment.

that brightened my mood.

i started bitching and eventually convinced my mother to take me home instead.

upon arrival, she lets me know that i'm a thief, and a really bad person for stealing, and also that she turned off my phone.

so i go inside, and i have an idea of how much the following hours are gonna be.

eric is on my couch, ashlyn ran out to say hi to her mother, and then i started crying at the dining room table.

eric came over, hugged me, let me cry on him and kissed me on my forehead and let me know everything was gonna be okay.

liar.

i had no phone, so i texted kim from windows live.

we talked, and things seemed alright.

eric picked me up, and we went downtown after i was told to wear red.

so i did.

we stood there, holding plates for something about ending hunger for those kids who live in poverty and how much they would enjoy a sandwich and how greedy everyone was for eating when some kids get nothing to eat.

so i got hungry, and we went to eric's.

i ate pie, played zelda, he drove me back home.

now i'm here, things got even WORSE.

my mom contacted my dad who contacted aunt susan who contacted kim.

who is now angry at me, probably.

so, thanks mom.

you sure know how to not make me want to be dead right now.

fuck off, okay?

recovery, part one.

i think i'm definitely getting better. summer started awful, was okay, back to awful, now it's okay again.

kim's still gone.

hung out with ashten galen james kyle justin brandon and some chelsea chick

she was pretty.

me and ashten went to winco

he let me drive in the cart and i felt like, 4 years old

so we got potato wedges and tea and brought it back and fed people it

then i got sick and went home.

so now i'm here.

tah~dah

good day, i guess.

looked at houses.

idk.

bored, bored, bored.

north california.

i forgot to tell everyone what happened during mine and kim's vacation.

hahaha.

it was amazing, amazing, amazing. it went better than i could of ever imagined.

i didn't think it was possible, but we ended up better friends in the end.

we drove for a long time until we got to loon lake :D

we felt pretty car sick because there was like, 80 loops and turns.

we stayed there for two days, and we showered like 4 times and then blew dry and straightened our hair because we don't know the meaning of camping.

we went to the river a couple times, got our tan on, and actually went in the water. it was cold so we went back to tan. at night, we came back, found a glow stick gang, walked to the beach, and people left all their tents and shit on the side of the river. it was tempting with all the jet skis, but we left empty handed.

Silvia and Jaron showed up the next day, we went swimming with them and some lady gave us a paddleboat and we all boated. Haha.

HAH! i fell off a tree when we were climbing it and then landed on my ankle and then rolled over a fern until i finally stopped on some dirt in a clearing. she wouldn't stop laughing and neither could i which hurt because i bruised my rib cage.

i limped back to our place, made some dinner, talked for a while, couldn't sleep, made smores, then slept.

in the morning we ate some eggs mary made, then got ready to go.

we got back on the road around we stopped for mcdonalds happy meals in the "Ice Kingdom" as Kim called the area between reedsport-bandon. I laughed. We went to langlois and got some hot dogs. only too bad i hate hot dogs so i got a monster. we kept going until we reached fred meyers in gold beach. kim was napping until she heard some hot guys walk by. hah! they went inside to go get groceries, me and her agreed we had enough, went inside and went pee, played on the escalator, then went down the elevator.

we went back on the road and stopped at the dinosaur tour/gift shop place. it was awesome. mary took some pictures of us, and we kept going again.

we eventually got to where we were going, after looking out over the ocean and found some islands. Kim Boob Island, and Chode Rock. it made us laugh. and all the while, i kept an itinerary of everything we did by hour. it was neat.

we got to smith river! unloaded our stuff, explored the camp site, and made some lunch. we went to the restroom and that was fun. the showers really sucked this time, and we only stayed one day. we were pretty sick of tent-ing, but we got over it. woke up. ate some snacks. got back on the road. pretty uneventful.

we drove in like 8 circles. we had no idea what time it was, my phone had died, our ipods were dead, and we were pretty much screwed. we first went to oregon, went east, then went to california, then went west, then south, then north, got to gold beach, then crescent city, took about 90 loopy turns again, and eventually got to this crappy run down town. it had a farm, and we down this dusty gravel road, saw some horses, fed them carrots, ate them ourselves, and pulled up to "Out and About", the ziplining place.

Me and Kim were pretty pumped. We got there, it smelt like horses and chickens. There were giant treehouses with scary thin bridges connecting them to every other one. We got our equipment and rode on a golfcart to catch up to the others. We did a practice line, then we climbed a ladder up to the bigger one and met Bug-Eyed Bill. This one was easy, but we looked at the next one and didn't know how we were gonna get all the way up the giant tree. Then we saw someone zip by through the forest and trees. We looked at each other like 'oh, fuck.' We made it through the rest, (barely), hung on like super tight, and had pretty much a kickass time. We got lost looking for the last zipline, and when we finally found it, oh god. The tree itself swayed in the wind while we were waiting, and I was for sure thinking I was gonna die. The first drop felt like a roller coaster, and then we flew down the rest of the line, hair flowing and heart pounding. It was amazing. We traveled from there, to Gold Beach, I woke up Kim and we went inside our new hotel room. We got settled, watched a really awful movie we somehow couldn't turn away from, and then fell asleep quickly.

In the morning, we woke up and flipped on the TV. She took the first shower, so I lounged in my two-day-old outfit and watched children's television. It had something to do with the ugly duckling. She got out and as she was getting dressed, I hopped in the shower. After that, we wee told to walk the dog so we did down to the ocean, which we could see from our room. She got away, but it was fine. We carved our names and Heath into the wooden structures people have built in the sand. We went back, dropped off the dog, and headed to get some breakfast. There wasn't much left, but we each got a boiled egg, some sort of pastry, orange juice, and dry cereal. Some guy came in and you could tell he was REALLY disappointed at the lack of breakfast left.

After that, we packed up and headed for the Jet Boats.

It was fun. We moseyed around the lobby until it was our turn. We loaded on the boats, and sat b behind these Swedish/german/dutch/russian people. We boated up, saw some bears, stopped for a break, and it was so hot. Me and Kim were seriously considering jumping in. On the way back we went to this buffet diner on the river. We got like, eighteen plates. (well, one, but still)

We got back, went back in the car, and sadly drove home to Salem.

When we stopped at a rest stop, it smelled like rain and we could hear thunder. We got back in the car and eventually got to Liberty Road. It was exciting to be home again. We went home, unpacked, took Kim home, and it was kinda weird saying goodbye. I was used to being with her for the past week, she definitely grew on me. We said our farewells, went back to normal life.

...only to hang out for the whole next week anyway. :)

two can be as bad as one.

zach's happy.

and honestly, so am I.

:)

Today is going to be a good day, and nothing can change that.

I'm really excited for school.

I need to buy my supplies, but nothing's wrong with procrastination.

I'm on cloud 8, so please don't knock me down :D

no talent.

i went to the open mic today with ashlyn, to see mitch.

it was amazing, honestly.

so many good people doing amazing things.

it was hard not to get enveloped in everything.

i wish i had some sort of talent, so i could get up there, and just...idk.

rock someone's world!

after i ate a chef salad and waited until mitch was done, we went outside, me and ashlyn

we met some cool people.

they didn't worry about stuff like fighting, money, or how they were getting home that night

it was neat.

i wanna be awesome.

instead, i'm sitting here, pretending i know my shit!

ahhh. i wish kim was there. she would of liked the black guy who went off to smoke some bud and came back and just smelt...familiar. too bad she's in like, seattle.

she doesn't have her phone. i feel quite...lonely.

three days to go.

for now, i'm gonna draw and cry and sleep and wish i was somewhere else,

where depression doesn't exist, everyone is equal, and dreams come true.

<3

i cut justin's hair and beard today.

he looked just lovely. because, duh.

i did it.

i wish i was your dream girl.

i'm sitting in my newly "remodeled" "bedroom" (office with a blanket covering the entry as a "door")
I put some posters up, and brought some of my stuff over.

It looks kinda like ...mine, now.

I can't help but be a jealous spiteful person. Well, not really spiteful.

Regretful.

My mother, lindsay and I did makeovers today.

I watched degrassi, and i'm gonna buy the sims 3 legally.

:O

I painted for a little bit.

Finished the rest, so now it's completely doneee!

I'm thirsty, bored, lonely, and overall decent.

I don't think things could get any more uneventful.

Coos Bay tomorrow. Then...the worlddddd!

...but probably not.

also fuck kim from scott pilgrim vs the world! IRRATIONAL JEALOUSY RAAAWWR

i'm sorry, again.

truly.

i don't know why i turn into such a bitch.

i'm happy if you're happy if you're ignoring me.

<3

FUCK!

SDFGD7TG3GF0BI9HUWSADFTRJ G4FV=-OFLHYCXV 8-0I[OMGRYHBV0YADFBGNDEXRDCXdsxdvhdf tyuhjubplhkjew!!!!!

WHY ARE YOU SUCH AN UNNECESSARY ASSHOLE TO ME!

two peas in a pod.

today was a good day.

well, sort of.

i spent the night at kims last night

we watched ghost ship, and were gonna sneak out, but we slept instead..

which i kinda regret haha.

but we woke up at 8

and sat around until 9

then went downstairs until like 10

then we walked to great wall buffet

i only ate crab puffs....

.....oh well

so i paid for kim and robert

then we went back, and kim and robert got yelled at and i was sent home

so then i got my hair done later

and like

then got a blizzard with mary

now im sitting here, stalking zach on facebook because idk

im a creep like that

fucking crystal bishop and her attractive ways

dear "family".

fuck off.

dad: you're a worthless fuck. stop lying about me to mom. no. i'm not a lesbian. so fuck you. go ahead and marry your girlfriend. she'll soon sit down and realize what a pathetic fucker you are. stop pretending to care when you talk to mom and me. you don't. go sit on your ass some more. i can tell mary loves taking care of you. god damn, you're like a 3 year old. grow the fuck up and get a job.

mom: yes, i hate it at your house. no, i'm not resentful of the divorce, and yes you DID fucking leave me. maybe you meant to leave dad, but i just happened to be living there, too. whatever. stop being such a paranoid idiot and stop pretending to care. it all sounds disgustingly fake. you aren't any better than dad, this isn't a fucking contest, and i'm sick of being a puppet to your guys' divorce. i'm not property. and, honestly, i don't want to spend time with either of you. stop reading my blogs, too. where you sleep at night isn't my house, and it's not even yours. please stop trying to 'make me feel at home.' i sleep on a fucking pull-out guest bed in a living room with nowhere to put my shit.

ashlyn: you two-faced bitch. go live with eric. stop talking shit about me. your life isn't perfect, you know that, but you still act so much better than anyone. i don't appreciate you telling mom to get me to live with her. i get that you don't like me, that i don't fit into your life the way you want to, but just get over it. sorry i thought you would actually be there for me, like you always said. but no. you're too involved with your other family who will never be yours. you're stuck with these fucks i got, too. you aren't you anymore. i don't know when i last saw you. you're always with eric, acting fake, and it's still there when you're occasionally home. sorry i'm too messy for you. sorry i don't fucking jog with you. sorry you have to deal with katie fucking thatcher. stop telling mom and dad lies about me to make you seem like the good daughter. please, get over yourself. i love you, but you obviously couldnt give a shit.

i'm not suicidal. so shut the fuck up. but you guys don't give me that many reasons not to be. if you care so much, you'd leave me alone. i don't like fucking counseling, fuck you, brian adams. you don't know me, nor do you want to.

kielly and mary, sorry you have to put up with my parents. you both deserve way better. you are two seriously amazing people. i'm sorry my parents don't have jobs and you feel like you have to buy everything and take care of them. but you've both impacted me in really good ways. thanks.

i want to live by myself in peace. i'm sick of being lied to. ughghgharh.

today, though, was okay.

made dinner, tomorrow im going to oaks park.

zach talked to me.

and just like that, without question, everything fell back into place.

he makes me happy.

and i don't even care about what happened anymore.

i need sleep.

one is the loneliest number.

I think I'm retarded and obsessed.

I can't accept the fact that he hates me, always has, always will.

Today was okay.

Got a school girl uniform! I'm not sure why, but it seemed like a good thing to have in my closet...

Also, got pants! :D And..socks and shit.

I'm at my mother's house. I kind of want to be home right now, but then it'd mean I'd be really hot and ugrrggg no thanks.

I have about 45 dollars left. And, I'm going to be painting tomorrow...so I'll get more for random shit I probably don't need.

I ate some pasta for dinner that I made.

It was eh.

Michael and Casey are still in town, and of COURSE I'd be at my mom's during this time.

I wish I could of hung out with them + Zach...

...but he would of hated that.

ffff

I'm so bad at life-ing. Oh well.

It'll get better overtime, and if not, blah. Fuck it. I think I'll call Kim now.

ttyl

bipolar.

john's party was good.

i met someone and his name is tyler james.

his hair is incredible and he knew everything about my art.

he made me happy when no one else would.

but the rest of the party was awful.

then today, me and kim went to the river! :D

it consisted of music, mexicans, flipflops, freezing water and rapids, and uhhm.

i dunno. we told secrets on the way home, and most of em sucked. i must admit.

then, i got home, and right after eric and ashlyn picked me up to go to troy's party.

but...i didn't see troy.

we went straight to the movies. like, 20 people. justinemiashtenjameskylejennabrandonkyleraykristiecolemichaelmackcatkay-tee and probably some other people. oops.

then, we went home

and this time i went with james/kyle/ashten

and we dropped off james, and then kyle,

and ashten let me drive. which was really super. :D

then he bought me a mcflurry and we ate it and then went home.

sadly, however, zachary wouldn't get off my mind for a single moment during any of this.

and the cycle starts over.

meteor shower.

it was pretty.

but zach's still angry at me.

i met someone today.

i hugged john.

but i met someone else.

he was very not john.

i kind of didnt want to leave but

it happens.

partypartyparty.

♥

blaugh.

gragrg.

there's always another day

another pill!
:D

<3

goodnight

blog.

I actually really like doing this everyday. I don't think Tommy has nearly as much blog entries as I do, but at least he made one with me in the first place.

I'm doing like eighteen things right now.

formspringbloggerflockdrawfacebookopencanvas.

Fuck!

Yesterday, I went to Eric's. In the beginning of our endeavor, I met Johnathan, eric's bro. He's cool. I like his voice. Haha. I have one of his sweaters. I didn't tell him that. Cat, Tommy, and Mack showed up.

It was good even number of couples.

Normally, I'm the 3rd, 5th, and even 7th wheel.

It's pretty sad. Anyway, they left after I drew everyone [crappily], and we all ate some pie. [well..I did.] I caught some really tiny frogs, took pictures, and went home.

Today, was worse.

My neck didn't get better. I took some Vicodin. That was fun for a little. Haha!

But, it didn't help at all. Not one tiny bit. John's party is tomorrow, and I REALLY hope I feel better.

I've been texting Kim all day, as usual. Chatted with Collyn.

Meteor shower is going on, and I think I'll go watch it. :)

peeeeeeace

taking sides.

Well, today was just dandy.

HAH!
No.

I think Zach's pissed at me again. Which always makes my day just a little more regrettable.

Hung out with Justin. Just got back.

I'm tired.

Had an awful day.

Goodnight, world.

ladies love us.

If I were a fruit, what would I be?

I'd be a spiked melon, because I'm gross on the outside, and gross on the inside.

Today I woke up..and my neck feels like absolute garbage. I'm pretty sure it's gonna pop off. I can't say I've been in worse pain before. At least, not for this long.

Tommy came over and tried to help. But, sadly, crappy onDemand movies and TV screensavers couldn't do it.

My life is getting better by the second.

Last night, though, was ....odd.

But whatever! I lost the gummy bear that I was going to give Steve :/ I think Ashlyn took it. Urff.

Anyways, I feel pretty crappy, and nothing has happened lately. I think I want to go on a midnight walk tonight.

glee.

a big thank you to zachary for letting my mom know about my blog, and social life, and mistakes i've made in the past :D

so...HI MOM.

anyway. today was good-tastic.

i'm sitting at my mom's house. i'm leaving tomorrow, though, which is cool. i enjoyed my stay, though. i slept in a little camp trailer the first two nights, and that was pretty awesome. :D but, i got a little lonely and scared so i slept inside the next two nights. tonight, though, i dunno. maybe i'll sleep on the roof.

(probably not.)

hmm, I'm not sure when penny and lizzie's tea party is..but it's gonna be awesome <3>

john's party is friday

urggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

oh well. i'll get over it.

i bought my hair extensions today. they're quite long. they make me very happy. :D

i also bought some clothes today! for the past 4 days i've been painting to make money

it's pretty fun, actually.

well. im gonna go sleep.

ttyl :0

vacation.

i'm leaving in a bit :) mary just has to get done dressing, we'll put stuff in the truck, we'll go pick up kim, and it'll be a good-ass week!

kim was all, "iiii don't wanna go..." so yeah.

but now shes all "yay i can go now!" YAY

Which is a very, very, very good thing. I'm so excited.

But, we need to find a tent or else we'll be sleeping under the stars D':

Which is a very, very ,very bad thing!

Oh well. I'm gonna miss ZACHARY <3>

I love everything right about now.

including

well

youknowwho

so, I'm gonna go..mosey around

LOVE YOU

greetings.

i haven't done this in forever! hi <3

i guess i'm sorry, internet diary.

i'll recap the past couple weeks!

-fourth of july with cat, mack, eric, ash and tommy

-me and zach fought too fucking much and i'm quite..damaged but it's whatever because he loves me again!

-hanging with eric and ashlyn more which is fun!

-more of those nights with all the guyysss at my house eating snacks and playing video games

-hmm. i don't know.

gonna go camping with kim soon. which is fun.

ashlyn left for Cancun today, which sucks major dick.

why did i capitalize that?

i don't know.

well,

today was fine! saw mack and cat and eric and ashlyn. me, mack and eric went to joryville park. i used the restroom and i was wearing gloves as shoes and i used eric's phone as a flashlight and almost dropped it into the toilet. oops. gave zach my kitten that me and kim found at another park.

anyway.

all of that stuff doesn't really matter. zach hates me, again.

it doesn't matter, because of course, i deserve it.

i wish i was a better person.

i wish zach didnt bring out the awful, disgusting person inside.

goodbye, world.

im gonna be gone for a long long time.

goodbye.

see you later, salem.

maybe i won't come back.

hopefully.

going to vancouver to stay at mary's, do fireworks, watch the big ones.

it's gonna be pretty fun i think.

also, i guess cat, eric, and tommy are coming too?

sure.

then my mom's house.

then when i come back,

going camping/zip lines/jet skiing with kim.

it's gonna be amazing.

i<3kimberwee>

oh well.

time to go...pack?

bye.

♥/kay-tee

murder.

my neck and head hurts so FUCKING bad.

i got to hang out with eric, nathan, and ashlyn.

which is always fun.

we captured a chicken at woodmansee,

killed it,

cleaned it,

boiled it and we now have a broth, etc for our chicken and dumplings tomorrow.

eww.

got yelled at from zach again.

eric and ashlyn decided to give me their opinions on our relationship.

do i want to be 'treated like that'? i think i'm treated just fine.

i wish people didnt see zach as a mean person.

well, he can be, when i give him reasons to be.

but at the same time, i don't want everyone knowing how much of a bitch i am.

maybe it's fair.

am i giving up? no. i just don't really see the point in going on, this is like chewing gum with no flavour

i don't know why it's so hard to say this to zachary,

even though he reads this.

i'm deathly afraid of him.

(BRB ASPIRIN)

okay

i also took nyquil

im not even sick but i'm also not tired

so

umm

idk.

why does it seem so...easy for everyone to be like "yep, dump him, move on, it's okay"

when im being shallow and like "NO! I LOVE HIM AND SHUT UP BECAUSE I DONT WANT HIM TO DATE PRETTIER WOMEN WAHH"

that...that's pretty true.

the point of all this:

i'm afraid of zachary moving on, dating other people and realizing that he was missing nothing; except for a year of his life.

stupid.

i suck at relationshipping.

i think zach hates me again.

well, fuck.

at this point..being single and depressed would probably be better than taken, and making two people depressed.

great.

i'm just gonna..leave now.

why must i be so awful.

lazy.

blogging just..bores me D:

my new phone bores me.

hanging out with friends bores me.

sleep bores me.

music bores me.

food bores me.

people, places, everything bores me.

summer is decent.

not good.

not bad.

just...decent.

so far.

with eric and ashlyn,

-camping

-in and out burger in redding

-saw like three billy mays, fourteen hugh lauries

-golden gate bridge

-san francisco, chilled on haight/ashbury

-handicapped hotel in vallejo and the shower flooded lol

-six flags. went on pretty much all the rides. had an amazing time.

-went from vallejo to coos bay non stop

-chilled with jaron/silvia and slept at their house

-went to safeway the next day and saw andrea's parents

-rented dune buggies at some place

-went back to salem

-slept

-a lot

now i have nothing to do

my jealousy is getting only worse because i think she still likes zachary and even though we aren't dating it's eating me from the inside out and i want to kill something D: i just wanna curl up and wish i was happier and wish he was happy, too. but her? no. she gets no happiness. especially not if it requires my zachary.

going camping again soon, renting jetskis, and probably go to a place with ziplines.

i get to bring a friend or two since ash isn't going

i was thinking kim, justin, robert, or nathan.

zach is definitely an option i just don't want it to be awkward

nor do i want him to see me in my rugged mode

oh well.

we'll see.

i know i haven't blogged in a while,

but i'm usually busy and don't really wanna do this

i'd rather nap.

♥

love.

casey finally made it to my house.

he hugged me. i didn't realize how much i missed him until he left, then was actually..here again.

he's just one of those irreplaceable bros.

i wonder what my life in salem would be like if zach never introduced me to anyone.

probably very shitty.

but maybe less dramalicious.

apparently, i'm going to san francisco like,

soon..

that means i won't be able to write meaningless blog updates

and we all know how many people reads this.

hmm.

i'm excited for my little vacation.

six flags sounds awesome.

also, i want fangs.

today was slow.

made casey breakfast.

good day, however.

<3

clowns.

okay, fine, maybe not casey today.

am i too eager?

yeah, probably.

my outfit of the day. a clown's. complete with the hat and red nose.

zachary is at jenna's with many friends.

if only i was there.

if only i was with friends.

instead, going outdoors now scares me. it's like people look at me differently, or something.

oh well.

i keep thinking about time, people, and happiness.

and and and and yeah.

i realized i havent blogged that much lately. like, i have, but i think i missed a day [plus most of these posts aren't even very ..bulky anymore]

sigh.

i miss zach, things will never feel the same, even though he still loves me.

somehow.

i got him a present today.

it's a mr goodbar..

i hope he enjoys it...xD

my new phone is here, also.

:) i hate it!

calm before another storm.

casey tomorrow

new phone..not soon enough

today consisted of feeling sorry for myself

crying some more

winco

and a lot of sleep

i talked to tommy

he managed to calm me down a bit

i realized how many people are just blatant liars and shitty people

i had to calm down justin then

he thought zach was gonna kill him

he didnt want to come out of his house, get online, or anything

he just sat in his room texting me scared out of his fucking mind

i dont want to imagine him like that

he may of lied to zach about me

break the hot tub rule

but still

he's a friend...

zachary can be quite scary when he's angry.

i don't want to anger him anymore.

i'm going to stay inside all summer..

just me and pillow zachary..

i hope you all have a good one, however.

i think i'll be like this until it all blows over.

suicide.

i need to die.

want to die.

should die. everyone agrees. its just..there.

somehow kissing a girl in a hot tub spirals into NAKED FUCKING ON A COUCH WITH JUSTIN AND BOXERS AND TOPLESS LADY

i want to die.

i need to die.

what is left for me?

absolutely nothing.

my dad and ashlyn tried to be helpful and were all 'good thing he's gone'

when he's gone, i'm gone. i'm nothing.

i'm a hollow shell.

i'm a shallow, worthless, bitch.

i'm an uglyass whore.

i am piece of shit.

useless.

dead.

awaiting.

i don't know what i want to do.
when it comes to school, where i live, my relationship status, my depression.

i honestly don't feel like i have the worth to make zachary stay with me.

you can kind of tell he agrees.

i don't know if this is going to be one of those relationships he looks back on and thinks, 'i miss her.'

i'm not good at this whole dating thing.

i'm afraid of them, for starters.

quoting a7x, 'our love has been so strong for far too long, i was weak with fear that something would go wrong'

maybe i won't kill him and rape his corpse like in the song, but we'll see.

[:

i'm not happy with myself, i'm not happy with anything.

i'm sick of food and i hate eating.

i hate sleeping.

i can't.

yesterday. was good.

i wasn't home hehe.

instead, i played with justin, went to walmart with him, rode in carts, ate candy, went to poker, galen and i observed our literally gay friends' mating rituals, went to climb a tree but ended up running all over the woods, staying out until 10 wrestling, climbing, fighting, and talking about everything, and ending while staring at the stars!!!

that was a good day, at least. they should happen more often.

but for this to happen, i have to be free.

like a bird!

nostalgic.

i really want everything to go back to how it was.

when maroon 5, black eyed peas, and eminem were the bombest peeps in the world [well they still are to me, but still]

and when we were all so innocent.

sleeping in tents outside in our giant backyard

and treehouses, and ugh i miss it all.

i miss my cousins.

i got to see them this weekend though.

i was able to focus on having fun, and fun only.

no school, no friend drama, no cell phone shit.

just fun.

i climbed a giant dune. then stood on top of it, and past that it was just...sand and the occasional tree. wind picked up sand and threw it towards us at it sliced at our bathing suited bodies. i felt like i was in some sort of "IN THE WILD" tv special where they show you how to get out of that situation. the only way off, however, was down the giant dune. and i wasn't quite ready. but i saw a lot of lady bugs up there, blowing in the wind~

then we decided, let's jump off!

and we did.

we looked up into the sky so it felt like nothing was below us and we were in complete freefall

until of course we hit the loose sand. no pain, we were just pegged into the sand :]

then we climbed back up and did it countless times in different ways to get the best near death experience feeling

:D twas better than it sounds.

and the graduation was just pretty. i don't feel like going into detail. but, silvia graduated :D she's always been my role model and this just added to it. <3

after the road trip home, worms in my taco, [not an inside joke at all], i'm finally back

looked at houses today.

oh, god, how i want to move..

i just looked at more houses online with mary.

we're pretty set on one in certain.

i wish it was a reality, that i could just pack up and go away...

...three streets away, that is.

(: i love you.

seriously.

he thinks i like him?

that's awkward..and telling zach? double awkward..

my day..

fine.

that's it.

nothing good.

nothing bad.

dana bought a monster from me.

i guess.

wee.

you know,

fuck this.

a continuation.

i broke another promise.

only this time it didn't hurt anyone except for myself.

and now i have adorable hello kitty bandaids.

i suck.

i am a bitch.

and i wish i could go away, too.

everyone wants love.

and i want nothing but love.

and i don't want to have to explain myself for loving you back.

good.

today was good.

i hope tomorrow is good.

i was in the detention room three separate times today.

why does the school hate me?

i used to skip in the library all the time.

now the school security is surrounding that place 24/7.

IT'S CREEPING ME OUT.

where am i and my fellow skippers supposed to go?

[don't say 'class']

but i might as well go!

me and nathan haven't went on an adventure for what seems like years;

the last time we really 'hung out' was fugitive.

i wonder if he's reading this.

if so; let's do something awesome.

i saw zach today, all of my amazing friends, wrote more on the Wall Of Win, and oh

(: MY NEW PHONE :)

my mom has it currently. it was sent to her house.

i hope i get it soon.

also im going to coos bay on friday.

i guess.

road trips are cool

but it's just gonna be me and my dad

how boring...

thats about it for my day.

to future kay-tee:

you're important to a lot of people and beautiful.

and i love you.

♥

and to a special someone who doesnt know they are:
i love you too. you brighten my day with just a simple smile.

stay amazing. (: