stupid.

i suck at relationshipping.

i think zach hates me again.

well, fuck.

at this point..being single and depressed would probably be better than taken, and making two people depressed.

great.

i'm just gonna..leave now.

why must i be so awful.

lazy.

blogging just..bores me D:

my new phone bores me.

hanging out with friends bores me.

sleep bores me.

music bores me.

food bores me.

people, places, everything bores me.

summer is decent.

not good.

not bad.

just...decent.

so far.

with eric and ashlyn,

-camping

-in and out burger in redding

-saw like three billy mays, fourteen hugh lauries

-golden gate bridge

-san francisco, chilled on haight/ashbury

-handicapped hotel in vallejo and the shower flooded lol

-six flags. went on pretty much all the rides. had an amazing time.

-went from vallejo to coos bay non stop

-chilled with jaron/silvia and slept at their house

-went to safeway the next day and saw andrea's parents

-rented dune buggies at some place

-went back to salem

-slept

-a lot

now i have nothing to do

my jealousy is getting only worse because i think she still likes zachary and even though we aren't dating it's eating me from the inside out and i want to kill something D: i just wanna curl up and wish i was happier and wish he was happy, too. but her? no. she gets no happiness. especially not if it requires my zachary.

going camping again soon, renting jetskis, and probably go to a place with ziplines.

i get to bring a friend or two since ash isn't going

i was thinking kim, justin, robert, or nathan.

zach is definitely an option i just don't want it to be awkward

nor do i want him to see me in my rugged mode

oh well.

we'll see.

i know i haven't blogged in a while,

but i'm usually busy and don't really wanna do this

i'd rather nap.

♥

love.

casey finally made it to my house.

he hugged me. i didn't realize how much i missed him until he left, then was actually..here again.

he's just one of those irreplaceable bros.

i wonder what my life in salem would be like if zach never introduced me to anyone.

probably very shitty.

but maybe less dramalicious.

apparently, i'm going to san francisco like,

soon..

that means i won't be able to write meaningless blog updates

and we all know how many people reads this.

hmm.

i'm excited for my little vacation.

six flags sounds awesome.

also, i want fangs.

today was slow.

made casey breakfast.

good day, however.

<3

clowns.

okay, fine, maybe not casey today.

am i too eager?

yeah, probably.

my outfit of the day. a clown's. complete with the hat and red nose.

zachary is at jenna's with many friends.

if only i was there.

if only i was with friends.

instead, going outdoors now scares me. it's like people look at me differently, or something.

oh well.

i keep thinking about time, people, and happiness.

and and and and yeah.

i realized i havent blogged that much lately. like, i have, but i think i missed a day [plus most of these posts aren't even very ..bulky anymore]

sigh.

i miss zach, things will never feel the same, even though he still loves me.

somehow.

i got him a present today.

it's a mr goodbar..

i hope he enjoys it...xD

my new phone is here, also.

:) i hate it!

calm before another storm.

casey tomorrow

new phone..not soon enough

today consisted of feeling sorry for myself

crying some more

winco

and a lot of sleep

i talked to tommy

he managed to calm me down a bit

i realized how many people are just blatant liars and shitty people

i had to calm down justin then

he thought zach was gonna kill him

he didnt want to come out of his house, get online, or anything

he just sat in his room texting me scared out of his fucking mind

i dont want to imagine him like that

he may of lied to zach about me

break the hot tub rule

but still

he's a friend...

zachary can be quite scary when he's angry.

i don't want to anger him anymore.

i'm going to stay inside all summer..

just me and pillow zachary..

i hope you all have a good one, however.

i think i'll be like this until it all blows over.

suicide.

i need to die.

want to die.

should die. everyone agrees. its just..there.

somehow kissing a girl in a hot tub spirals into NAKED FUCKING ON A COUCH WITH JUSTIN AND BOXERS AND TOPLESS LADY

i want to die.

i need to die.

what is left for me?

absolutely nothing.

my dad and ashlyn tried to be helpful and were all 'good thing he's gone'

when he's gone, i'm gone. i'm nothing.

i'm a hollow shell.

i'm a shallow, worthless, bitch.

i'm an uglyass whore.

i am piece of shit.

useless.

dead.

awaiting.

i don't know what i want to do.
when it comes to school, where i live, my relationship status, my depression.

i honestly don't feel like i have the worth to make zachary stay with me.

you can kind of tell he agrees.

i don't know if this is going to be one of those relationships he looks back on and thinks, 'i miss her.'

i'm not good at this whole dating thing.

i'm afraid of them, for starters.

quoting a7x, 'our love has been so strong for far too long, i was weak with fear that something would go wrong'

maybe i won't kill him and rape his corpse like in the song, but we'll see.

[:

i'm not happy with myself, i'm not happy with anything.

i'm sick of food and i hate eating.

i hate sleeping.

i can't.

yesterday. was good.

i wasn't home hehe.

instead, i played with justin, went to walmart with him, rode in carts, ate candy, went to poker, galen and i observed our literally gay friends' mating rituals, went to climb a tree but ended up running all over the woods, staying out until 10 wrestling, climbing, fighting, and talking about everything, and ending while staring at the stars!!!

that was a good day, at least. they should happen more often.

but for this to happen, i have to be free.

like a bird!

nostalgic.

i really want everything to go back to how it was.

when maroon 5, black eyed peas, and eminem were the bombest peeps in the world [well they still are to me, but still]

and when we were all so innocent.

sleeping in tents outside in our giant backyard

and treehouses, and ugh i miss it all.

i miss my cousins.

i got to see them this weekend though.

i was able to focus on having fun, and fun only.

no school, no friend drama, no cell phone shit.

just fun.

i climbed a giant dune. then stood on top of it, and past that it was just...sand and the occasional tree. wind picked up sand and threw it towards us at it sliced at our bathing suited bodies. i felt like i was in some sort of "IN THE WILD" tv special where they show you how to get out of that situation. the only way off, however, was down the giant dune. and i wasn't quite ready. but i saw a lot of lady bugs up there, blowing in the wind~

then we decided, let's jump off!

and we did.

we looked up into the sky so it felt like nothing was below us and we were in complete freefall

until of course we hit the loose sand. no pain, we were just pegged into the sand :]

then we climbed back up and did it countless times in different ways to get the best near death experience feeling

:D twas better than it sounds.

and the graduation was just pretty. i don't feel like going into detail. but, silvia graduated :D she's always been my role model and this just added to it. <3

after the road trip home, worms in my taco, [not an inside joke at all], i'm finally back

looked at houses today.

oh, god, how i want to move..

i just looked at more houses online with mary.

we're pretty set on one in certain.

i wish it was a reality, that i could just pack up and go away...

...three streets away, that is.

(: i love you.

seriously.

he thinks i like him?

that's awkward..and telling zach? double awkward..

my day..

fine.

that's it.

nothing good.

nothing bad.

dana bought a monster from me.

i guess.

wee.

you know,

fuck this.

a continuation.

i broke another promise.

only this time it didn't hurt anyone except for myself.

and now i have adorable hello kitty bandaids.

i suck.

i am a bitch.

and i wish i could go away, too.

everyone wants love.

and i want nothing but love.

and i don't want to have to explain myself for loving you back.

good.

today was good.

i hope tomorrow is good.

i was in the detention room three separate times today.

why does the school hate me?

i used to skip in the library all the time.

now the school security is surrounding that place 24/7.

IT'S CREEPING ME OUT.

where am i and my fellow skippers supposed to go?

[don't say 'class']

but i might as well go!

me and nathan haven't went on an adventure for what seems like years;

the last time we really 'hung out' was fugitive.

i wonder if he's reading this.

if so; let's do something awesome.

i saw zach today, all of my amazing friends, wrote more on the Wall Of Win, and oh

(: MY NEW PHONE :)

my mom has it currently. it was sent to her house.

i hope i get it soon.

also im going to coos bay on friday.

i guess.

road trips are cool

but it's just gonna be me and my dad

how boring...

thats about it for my day.

to future kay-tee:

you're important to a lot of people and beautiful.

and i love you.

♥

and to a special someone who doesnt know they are:
i love you too. you brighten my day with just a simple smile.

stay amazing. (:

i lied.

i love writing. the only real problem is that i have nothing to write about, no one cares if i do or don't either.

i feel okay. not fat like i usually do. but not skinny either. just pleasantly accepting.

i feel like i annoy people non-stop. i annoy myself, that's for sure. is there a medicine for that? is there a medicine to stop being so jealous of everyone? is there a medicine to make me love myself as much as people claim they do?

anyway. i have 20 monsters left. drank two, gave one to zach, one to justin. i want to make them last. i think.

zachary keeps me stable. andrea keeps me stable. friends keep me stable. i don't need a psychiatrist.

994 songs and nothing to listen to. my phone keeps turning off randomly because i dropped it today. i feel bad, because she knows she's being replaced soon, so she's trying to kill herself from the inside out. i know she's not real, she's a phone, but she's a part of me. i'm sorry, phonequa. maybe you and my new shiny sidekick, spudskin, can be friends.

i think i care about my phone too much.

i went to draw today, got bored, decided i'd rather write on here and talk to friends. i wonder if any of my friends think of me the way i think of them, feel for me the way i feel about them.

i wish everyone wasn't going to university. i want them to all not graduate and stay with me forever.

i hope we can still stay close. justin said we'd still be friends, that i was too important to forget in just three years.

i hope he means that.

i still get to see zachary next year.

i have to focus, get good grades, try to find the fun in school..

i'm looking forward to the new year.

i could use a new beginning, but more importantly, an end to all this.

a little more miserable

i got in trouble for skipping school today.

-->i didn't really skip. i went out to lunch with justin, nathan, and dana, and then we got back to third period only about thirty minutes late. we were gonna go to class, we went to get our late slips, and then she stopped us and we literally had to sit for like 45 minutes so the period was pretty much over (waiting for the freshman assistant principal to come back from lunch) just so she could take less than a minute saying it was wrong to 'skip', and that we had detention. what an asshole.

<---

so i walked home from zach's, all teary because i hadn't seen him in ever and i was being yelled at, called a bitch, etc by my loving father. so i went home, dad said he couldnt believe me [for 'skipping' of course] and so i sat in my room and did nothing. then i slept. woke up. ate a whole carrot. read more magazines. slept. ate a donut. now i'm talking to my boyfriend, sitting, and smelling my deodorant because it's lovely. i think that this is an awful start to any summer, as you probably know, because summers shouldn't consist of all of this. even though mentally and physically it's not summer yet. technically, it is, because hey...june. alas. maybe the clouds will part long enough so the sun with smile down, able to tint my disgustingly white flesh. that's about it.

decent.

today was good, i think.

i felt like starting a blog because summers go way too fast.

and i want to remember it.

ALL OF IT.

so i'm just going to write during every day of summer

until it slowly fades away and dissolves into a nasty autumn and

i can be a sophomore.

but that's getting way ahead of myself.

my name is kay-tee thatcher and i love myself because i deserve it.

:] or something.

WHAT I DID TODAY♥

okay. i showered today. then i went to school. nothing really happened. i think i'm going out to lunch tomorrow..it was just an idea fetus though. i talked to Mr. Thomas Funk today. he made a blog too. i kinda made him. listening to eminem because he's delicious. trying to draw a picture but i'd rather type to nobody than try to muster up some creativity.

i painted my nails, [pink/yellow polka dots] cut my hair a little more, and got 7 dollars. phones gonna be here soon.